Continuing Americans’ practice of always focusing on the weightiest, most consequential issues, the big news story this week was Cracker Barrel’s logo makeover. Frankly, I’d say that the new logo itself is a case of the stupids, but alas I have other things to get twisted into a knot over. It’s Cracker Barrel’s choice and that’s that. Since I never even go there, the change won’t impact me at all. Conservatives, however, were outraged by it as they invariably are by anything new or unfamiliar (especially if it’s something really trivial that doesn’t change their lives at all). And, as with anything new or unfamiliar, they were convinced beyond a doubt that the revision must be, somehow or other, related to “wokeism”.

“Don’t be mad when kids commit suicide (if they’re taught about evolution).” — Indiana Lt. Gov. Micah Beckwith

(On the militarization of D.C.) “The American people are beginning to feel and see what it is for a leader to really care for them.” — Rep. Burgess Owens

Prominent Christian Nationalist Joshua Haymes says that “Only Native Americans should hold political office in America.” What??? He’s suddenly become a lopsided advocate for ethnic minorities? No, relax. He goes on to clarify that “Native American = Born in America”. Remember, conservatives have the right to redefine words as they see fit.

They also have the right to continue communicating with people after they’re dead. New Jersey Representative Jeff Van Drew, pushing the tireless lie of massive election fraud, said “Other times, people who are passed away — these are real people I spoke to, large numbers of them, and it’s indicative of what happened around the country.”

They also have the right to redefine the roles of government officials. Alina Habba, speaking of courts that dare to rule against her lawless Lord And Master, declared, “We will not fall to people trying to be political when they should just be doing their job: respecting the president. ” Ahhhh, so that’s what the Founders intended as the role of a judiciary. And why should these courts show unwavering obedience to her president, Constitution be damned? Because “Almost 100 million people voted for him.” Oh yeah, they also have the right to redefine math.

MAGA pastor Jack Hibbs urged his flock to “fast and pray” that “God visit Gavin Newsom in his dream, in his sleep, and saves [sic] him.” Even if it’s against his will, because hey, what does that matter?

Newsom, by the way, is still causing a full-scale MAGA freakout with his relentless (and mercilessly on-target) trolling of Don the Con. They keep insisting that his delicious parodying is really nothing — at the same time they can’t stop talking about it. They consistently characterize it as imitation rather than satire, and point out how disgusting and immature such rhetoric is, even as they praise Dear Leader for using it. The brilliant blogger Jim Wright, aka Stonekettle, has a phrase that very aptly applies to these people: “No more self-awareness than a dog licking its balls”.

Let’s leave you with the wisdom of one of the most accomplished scrotum slurpers of all, J D Vance — who a short time ago was calling his future master “America’s Hitler”, but now is the prime bootlicker in line. Newsom’s efforts are in vain, he says, because nobody else has the “genius” of his overlord. And his sage advice for anyone who wants to display such genius? “Don’t be a crazy person. Be authentic.” So now you know.