Greetings! This is Qtlrzk from the planet Blexxar reporting again about the strange goings-on on that world whose inhabitants call Earth — it may be better known to the rest of you in the galaxy as Planet Punchline.  As you may know, we’ve been learning about this world by monitoring transmissions from information(?) systems known as TV — especially a system called the Fox News Network, which has the loudest and most widely received signal. This is puzzling, since both its name and the intellectual level of its content indicate that this network is intended for an audience of small furry quadrupeds.

One of the more recent sources of confusion has been the reaction to the behavior of law enforcement personnel in the enclave known as Ferguson in the sector called Missouri in the settlement called the “United” States Of America. After killing an unarmed youth, one policemen has been hailed as a hero, and the force to which he belongs has been extolled as noble and righteous — in native slang, they are “good cops”. This was puzzling because we were under the impression that police were meant to protect rather than destroy other carbon-based life forms.

Furthermore, it wasn’t long ago that law enforcement personnel dispatched to the sector of Nevada were referred to as “armed thugs” — which, we take it, is the equivalent of “bad cops”. Initially, this seemed to us to be such a contradiction that we suspected that in the interval between the two incidents many media personalities had been abducted by interplanetary interlopers and replaced with class four replicants.

On closer inspection, however, we have learned that there is a consistency to the inconsistency. We are pleased to present you with the following compendious guide to the distinction between “good cop” and “bad cop”, which depends on five factors:

1: Offense responded to

Bad cops respond to instances in which citizens blatantly defy the law over a period of years. (Those citizens are called patriots.) Good cops respond to impulsive momentary violations such as walking in the street. (Those violators are called gangsters.)

2. Nature of offender

Bad cops respond to violations by individuals with lighter skin tones. Good cops respond to offenders with darker skin tones.

3. Conduct of enforcers

Bad cops behave with restraint even when faced with confrontation, and back off rather than engage in violence. Good cops kill citizens at the slightest hint of conflict. When others protest such deaths, they brandish their weapons and yell, “I will fucking kill you!”.  They also say “I’m into diversity; I kill everybody” and refer to the national leader as an “undocumented president” and to Supreme Court justices as “black-robed perverts”.

4. Protesters

The protests against bad cops are initiated by individuals and organizations from all over the country, who come with weapons and try to provoke a fight. The protests against good cops are initiated by local citizens; and though they may be supported by individuals from other parts of the country, they come unarmed. Nonetheless, good cops greet them with armaments sufficient to quell a Klingon invasion.

5. Jurisdiction

Good cops serve municipalities. Bad cops serve central government agencies, which puts them more directly under the command of The Evil One, the dreaded Barack Of Obama. We have not yet been able to determine why this leader invokes such fear, paranoia and delirium in so many citizens. We had heard that many of those infected with this peculiar form of madness live in parts of the “United” States Of America in which the ground is red, but our spectroscopic analysis reveals no significant difference in soil tint. We suspect instead that the behavior may be due to some substance in their supply of potable aqueous liquid.

We hope these guidelines will be of help to you should you ever choose to visit this bizarre little planet. If you do make such a rash stop, however, we assume no responsibility for your fate.