In this week’s Schroedinger’s claim, the White House Occupant is threatening to sue his own DOJ for230 million (at your expense, of course) because its (rather muted) investigation of his numerous crimes constituted election interference that caused him to lose. At the same time, he says that it was actually because of this supposed persecution that he won. So does he also owe the DOJ 230 million? Will the two debts just cancel each other? How does this parallel universe thing work exactly?

An ICE thug in Florida was arrested after he failed a sobriety test in a traffic stop. During the stop, he was not only belligerent, but made racist slurs and comments, including “What’s homeboy doing over there?”, and repeatedly asking one of the officers if he was Haitian.

Jim Garlow weighs in on the White House ballroom vanity project: “This is a very important and needed addition to the White House complex. If the Democrats ever get back in power (hopefully not), they can always refuse to use it. Just a thought. But if they want to use it, maybe they ought to pay T—p (and friends) rent since he & his friends paid for it. After all, they hate it, right?”

Shane Vaughn also chastises those who dare question his lordship’s latest monument to himself: “Stop acting like armchair attorneys. Do you honestly think you know more than the President’s own legal counsel and White House preservation team?” Well, funny you should ask…

“It is impossible for a man to rape his wife. In fact bro can crack her whenever he wants and it’s a sin for her to refuse.” — Jon Miller

Bobby Jr. explains why palling around with Epstein was no big deal: “So and I run into everybody in New York. I mean, I knew Harvey Weinstein, I knew Roger Ailes, I knew — O.J. Simpson came to my house. Bill Cosby came to my house.” Oh. So obviously, you’re all squeaky clean.

The folks at Fox “News” see a silver lining in the current economic downturn, and the soaring food costs: there’s a big surge in sales of Hamburger Helper. Hey, what better indicator of warm fuzziness could we possibly ask for?

“If the current trajectory continues, many Americans could miss watching their favorite teams. So football fans, hey, if you’re stuck in the airport this weekend while your favorite team is about to kick off, you can blame the Democrats for that.” — Mike Johnson

And speaking of the speaker, Mike Johnson had this to say in defense of the W.H.O. posting an infantile (even by his usual standards) AI video of himself dumping shit on protesters: “The president uses social media to make a point. You can argue that he’s the most successful person who’s ever used social media for that. He is using satire for that. He is not calling for the murder of his political opponents. And that’s what these people are doing.” He doesn’t specify just who “these people” are supposedly calling for the murder of their opponents. But you must admit that the mantle of Master Satirist is a whole new level of achievement for the W.H.O. to add to his trophy case.